I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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