How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
