i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
