Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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