If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
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I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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