You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
