I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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