U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Randomize
