Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
