the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
