remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize