At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
