Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
