You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Let's get the cat blown out
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
