He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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