So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
