Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
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He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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