There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She bit a glass in half.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
