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• (631): View more from New York

  I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.

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• (803): View more from South Carolina

  I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

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• (469): View more from Texas

  FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.

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• (706): View more from Georgia

  thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.

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• (615): View more from Tennessee

  Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...

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• (518): View more from New York

  I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants

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• (843): View more from South Carolina

  I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.

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• (856): View more from New Jersey

  Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate

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• (503): View more from Oregon

  He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.

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• (804): View more from Virginia

  Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.

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• (763): View more from Minnesota

  I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war

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• (419): View more from Ohio

  Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night

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• (276): View more from Virginia

  He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.

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