She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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