she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
