When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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