some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
