I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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