You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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