Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
