remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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