I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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