i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
