There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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