The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
