if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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