Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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