Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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