I puked a lego.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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