and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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