Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
