yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
