so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
he was CRYING into my vagina
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
