when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
