Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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