Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
