I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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