Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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