you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Michael Bay diarrhea
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
