we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You coming home soon, man?
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Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
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I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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