Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Randomize
