Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
