we're chasing vodka with high fives
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
