someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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