You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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