I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
