He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Your penis caused this!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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