My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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