So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
